before my birthday

So this is my last night before I enter adulthood (well, in the US that is. Hehe so ironic because I’m not even in the US … but I feel like the rules still apply). But yeah 21. Born in 1988. Who would’ve thought my time would come now. Tonight. (and 6 hours early.)

So all I can think about right now is how I’ve grown since living abroad. Not knowing anybody (and thus relying just on myself) has allowed me to meet so many different kinds of people. It really is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

And because I can’t just go hang out with the people I would normally do If I get lonely or tired, I’ve hade to make new friends. Start all over again. It’s like back to elementary school, all the tough lessons that you had to learn back then, all over again. (Another lesson, to hopefully never forget how hard something is, what it was like to see something through those eyes – in wonder and awe – to empathize with others…)

The people I’ve met, I see reoccurring characteristics with the friends I have back home. With a different twist of course (synergy), but still the same qualities I admire. It’s allowed me to see what kinds of people I connect with the best.

And allow me to see what I really like and don’t like. It lets me see who I want to be like, and what kind of person I want to be with.

Different role models too. There are different kinds of people that I admire now too. They’re still the same qualities, just, I have higher standards now?

I think they’re atypical admirable qualities too. Like the way people view/approach life. Just the way some people see it, always something to laugh at. I admire that. Their ability to connect with strangers. To find some kind of common group. I hope I can do that as well.

Also, the women here too. Well, I guess this is just the international women that I eat lunch with. They’re post-docs and idk if they completed it here or back in their home country, but I’ve gotten the chance to meet what I would call strong, independent women. I hope I can be like them.

That is one of the things I wanted to be more of (independent, strong) when I came abroad, and I’m glad to have gotten the chance to meet some. They kind of just plow through. I feel like they had to be strong to have made it thus far, and be brave.

Hm, I don’t think I’ll ever lose (nor do I want to) my ability to think about others (almost too much I feel like), or “considerate” as I like to think about it. But now I can finally start to teeter towards the balance I’ve always wanted. To know my own mind, and yet, be aware of others as well.

For example, I was always proud of my ability to adapt. I think that’s why I work so well in small groups, especially 1-1. Because then I could focus all my attention on the person, on making them comfortable and being able to pick up on little details.

Or even in groups, if they needed a leader, I could lead. But if someone wanted to play leader, then I could play the good follower that did everything was asked. I always….saw what people needed, and then filled the spot.

But I don’t think that’s too good. I see now that I should have my own mind. I should go ahead and lead anyway, but that doesn’t mean I can’t follow as well. I’m not sure how clear that is, and it’s hard to be more specific without already giving an example.

Hrm, I’m listening to “The Wizard and I” now from the Wicked OST. I used to feel that way about going to Germany and life in general. (Perhaps that’s why I love it so.)

“When I meet the wizard
Once I prove my worth
When I meet the wizard
What I’ve waited for since, since birth

[…]

Once I’m with the wizard
My whole life will change
Because once you’re with the wizard
No one thinks you’re strange

[…]

I know it sounds truly crazy
And true the vision’s hazy
But I’m sure someday there’ll be a celebration
Throughout oz, that has to do with me

And I’ll stand there with the wizard
Feeling things I never felt
And though I’d never show it
I could be so happy I could melt

And so it will be for the rest of my life
And I’ll want nothing else until I die

[…] ”


I feel like I used to feel that way about life. I was waiting for something greater, and that after I proved myself and became better it would come to me. I think I mentioned this in an earlier post, how I realized sometime ago that I should increase confidence by what I already had, not what I needed to have.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say anymore, heh. I guess just being here has allowed me to see things so differently. And I always thought of myself as open-minded before, y’know?

I guess I am finally seeing now that my life is just beginning. I just have to remember to be open-minded and not afraid. I used to be afraid of so many things when I was little, even before I came, even now. But I really mustn’t be because that stops me from truly, living, and I don’t ever want to do that. So cheers to a fulfilling life that is just beginning!