driving criticisms

Sometimes I wish people knew how to properly give advice. Instead, most times, it comes out as critcisim. Or at least that's how I take it and boy does it annoy me (see earlier Nov. 2008 post, "Criticisms").

I mean, that's the point of giving someone advice isn't it? To help them out. It's NOT to make yourself feel more knowledgable and "better." Well, at least that's what I like to think when people keep talking even though they know I'm not listening anymore. It's as if they have all these thoughts inside their head that they just have to get out to make themself feel better. Perhaps it's that gratifying "I told you so" that you get to say only if you've told them (regardless of open ears).

It's just not very productive. I mean, if your end goal is to help them, and your words are clearly falling on deaf ears, then perhaps you ought to just not talk (that's a mucher nicer way of saying shut up isn't it, pity I still think of shut up when they're critcizing me though...hey, at least it's think and not say :P). Either that or try another way. Another way as in talk and not yet. No condescending voice. No raised eyebrows.

(Oh, and the reason I got all these talks was because I was driving on the highway today.)

Some people really are just crowd pleasers and (1) know how to talk. I wonder how they do it. If not even that, I wonder how they can still (2) smile and take criticisms. So much self-control (?), I wonder how they do that. That's probably one thing I need to know because I've controlled myself (moer or less) to not talk back, but my face (!) still gives away what I'm thinking (SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP). >.

This is similar to another goal of mine a while ago. It was learning how to, for lack of a better word, influence people. Basically it was just to get my thoughts across. Hm, some call it manipulation. It's a great descriptor, I just don't like the connotiation. (Perhaps that's because people don't like the word, hehe.) Girls do get the tag of being manipulative, but this wasn't what I wanted to get across.

The thought (to be able to influence people) came to me when my friend, we'll call him tech guy1, was asking me for some advice about dating. He was asking what he should do because he knew this tech girl kind of liked him but he felt okay about her (as in, he could grow to like her), but after all, you're in college and you're supposed to date around.

(No, I didn't lash out at him. I actually agree with him, you should date around to find out the kind of person you want to be with.) Anyway, I started to say something, which started out as, "Well if you already know she's not the one, or she's lacking some things that you want. I don't see why you'd want to date her. I think you should only date around when everything fits and you're not aware of certain things you don't like..."

On second thought, I wonder if I even got to say that much. I remember being cut off really fast. "KAREN! You don't understand, I'm a TECH guy and this is a TECH girl. How often does a girl like a guy at tech? You don't understand Karen ... "

And immediately he doesn't listen to anything else I have to say and we drive off in silence. Or we might have changed topics after a minute or two.

Anyway, that made me realize the urgency of the situation. Well, not this one, but for future ones that matter more. Sex? Drugs? Your life?

I wonder why I got cut off before I could even finish my thoughts/advice. It's because tech guy1 didn't think I could ever understand. And he's true, I'll never be able to empathize with him, perhaps sympathize, but that probably wasn't good enough at the time.

It doesn't even matter that my advice might be worth listening to, I got cut off immediately because surely I wouldn't know anything about this matter. (To clarify, he was a bit tipsy and probably didn't remember asking me for advice. Therefore, someone seeking advice would probably be more inclined to listen. But the point remains.) It made me wonder how I could get my thoughts across/influence him to see from my point of view.

Heh, I told a friend of mine this goal and he thought it was kind of dangerous. If I ever got good at it, well, my friend just hoped that I had good intentinos in mind. Another friend thought thoughts like these made me fascinating. I think so too. I wonder if other people/who else thinks things like these. Is this the kind of guy I need? Someone who I can have fun analyzing?


Anyway, is people could just learn how to properly give/receive advice there wouldn't be a need for me to think of how to give advice to stubborn people. Intransigent. Grrr.


---

Oh, and to think I just wanted to write a short (hah!) entry, cough, rant, about people who criticize me and annoy me and thus I don't listen to them but they still keep talking anyway. You probably got that somewhere around this big ol' mess.

cleaning

mmm i never realized how soothing it is to clean. it's mindless enough that you can let your mind wander yet extremely productive. perfect!

man my room is dusty.

on another note, i've realized that lately i haven't been talking so much in a group...again. hrm, i always felt like there was a "reason" before, such as nostalgia, thinking of someone else, etc.. but now i don't think i have a reason. have i run out of reasons?

before i talked to a friend, i thought it was i needed a new set of friends. those that shared the same interests (whatever that may be) as me because i thought some of my friends topics were superficial. but then that brought up the question, what is worth talking about. my friend confidently listed off a few, current events, philosophy, ... heh, figures.

mmmm but that wasn't the underlying problem. oh. so something else conflicting was that other topics (that i may have spoke up more in, idk, i certaintly was at least actively listening, heh) i used to enjoy but all of a sudden i didn't enjoy anymore. enjoy as in, actively listen i suppose. i mean, sure they're stupid and superficial, but you can't be serious all the time. i don't think it was a maturity issue or anything. something else.

BUT cleaning helped me figure out what it was! hehe. i think lately i have just had a lot of my mind and i needed some sort of outlet, and clearly my friends were not fulfilling that. i started picking up new interests (increase, input) and i didn't have anywhere to release my newfound interests (decrease, output) which led to a mind crisis not to mention storage problem (trouble).

BUT luckily i have a blog so now i have some form of recording my memories (writing, albeit nice to study handwriting changes, is kind of slow), plus i love this tagging feature. i need to find some way to implement it with my book...one day. :)

lastly, in just two days three separate friends tell me that they are indeed reading my blog (but not leaving comments) so what do you know! perhaps it's not just me. :) it definitely isn't me if you see this, heh. oh, i guess unless you're reading it a second time.

i'm feeling more cheerful lately. yes, it could be that school is out, but i think it has more to do with the cleaning. it lets me sort of clean myself out too, i get a chance to reflect and reminiesce. i've opened up boxes of notes from high school (!) and ghp (!). wow. it's been a while. i have more time now, hopefully to read and just figure things out.


ok back to cleaning, i want to be done before new years.

sound of music

so i watched sound of music last night and when the girl, lisle (?), was singing that song, "i am 16 going on 17 ... " and the boy, rolfe, " you're still a baby... i am 17 going on 18... you need someone to show you the way... i'll take care of you."

i realized... she doesn't know a thing about boys and i don't either! i think we're both inexperienced. eeeep!

Spine

In order to enlighten (imo) half the world and perhaps discover what it is I'm looking for, I'm going to attempt to write a series of short commentaries on an ideal man (imo).

---

Spine


Oddly enough, I do get some pleasure from hearing people complain. I want to say it's because emotions have taken almost complete control over the person such that they're not thinking as logically and clear-minded as before and censoring themselves. They speak their mind and are very honest. I like that. It's one of the few times (e.g. sleeping) when I see something for what it truly is - no pretenses. I like that too.

What brings this to mind is that I recently went shopping with some friends, we'll just number them off as: guy 1, his girlfriend (girl 1). I don't know the exact numbers and I don't want to get bogged down in details so let's just say that guy 1 and girl 1 have been dating for less than a year. Things are going great, guy 1 likes to make girl 1 happy, treats her out, etc. and before he knows it, it's way too much. He's accompanying her shopping (aka holding the bags, paying) and talking about things he's not really interested in.

[Hm, this isn't going the way I want it to. AGAIN. This writing business is harder to get back into than I thought. Oh well, it's late, I'll plow on.]

In summary, guy 1 ends up complaining to me about girl 1 and how he doesn't know what to do. I'm not sure what use-less/ful advice I gave him, but these were my thoughts:

- I wish men would have more of a spine. Or at least the guys I know. I guess it's natural to want to impress others at first. Okay, but more than that.

How about ...

- I wish guys at Tech weren't so desperate sometimes. Maybe it should just be people in general and how - despite what our mothers (!) and advertisements bombard us with - there isn't a looming deadline over our heads to have a boy/girl-friend and get married.

Maybe then they would have more of a spine. As in, starting off not accepting anything ridiculous just because it's something that they're sure "all guys go through." (I did see an awful lot of husbands carrying bags during the post-Christmas sales.) I feel like it's pretty ridiculous to expect your boyfriend to go "shopping" with you as in just to carry your bags, or even worse, pay for you. However, if he's buying you something and he wants you to help him pick it out, then that's a different story.

This is probably just personal preference, but I don't like it when people do things but don't know why they're doing it. If they're uncertain, that's okay. (As long as they're actively searching why.) That's probably expecting too much though. It's just .... :sigh: What am I trying to say now?

I don't like people who do things for the sake of doing them. They just, go along with the flow. I like seeing passion in people. It's what gives you your "you." Idiosyncrasy. I love doing activities that I enjoy with people who enjoy it also. I think it's in the smile.

I think that's why I'm against people just coming along. But then I do it too. So this can't be what I'm really feeling. Or what I truly want to convey.


- I just wish guy 1 would not be afraid of losing girl 1. Sure he's older and his odds are dwindling , but is there ever a time to take a stand? to do what's right? The world is constantly pushing at us from all sides, if not now, then when? (I think I'm talking about something else now.)

I wish I could follow my own advice and not worry ... but that's for another time. (Definitely talking about something else now.)


I hope I'll be able to read my guy. It's a tricky balance - having enough depth so that there is something to read, and yet having enough tell-tale behaviors (pecularities?) to be able to tell and thus probe further as to why.

Hm, I wonder how easy it is to read me. I'm told - and I'm sure it's true - my face gives a lot away. But what about as to why. Do people already assume they know why and stop at that because eek! I don't think they're right.


:sigh: Digression.




----

Man, this commentary business is harder than I thought. Come to think of it, I don't even really know what a commentary is. I mean, this is better than just saying "lecture." Hrm, I wonder if commentaries have to be based off of another piece of writing, maybe this should just be "thoughts."

Sigh, what an unsatisfactory entry. It's still on my mind (after I've attempted to write about it), I can't remember all of my thoughts during guy 1's complaining, and well, that's more than enough to be dissatisfied about. Alas!

2008: Music

2008: Music According to Karen

2008 Summarizer

1. "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis


2. "Shattered" by O.A.R.


3. "I'm Not That Girl" by Idina Menzel (from Wicked OST)

Last 20 Top (#1) Songs

1. Nobody's Perfect by Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus
2. Here Is Gone by Goo goo dolls
3. hoisanna by hillsong
4. relax, say it right (dj bacon remix) by nelly furtado vs mika
5. sway by mike buble
6. 5:19 by matt wertz
7. i'm not that girl from wicked ost
8. baby i need your loving by the four tops
9. zombie by the cranberries
10. crane wife 3 by teh decemberists
11. gone so young by amber pacific
12. spiralling (radio edit) by keane
13. spiraling by ari hest
14. faraway by apocalyptica
15. angel by leona lewis
16. shattered by o.a.r.
17. how am i to be by the watson twins
18. even if by 2 b 3
19. get away by avant
20. right kind of wrong by leeann rimes
21. one way or another by blondie
22. maria from 200 lb beauty ost
23. how much i love you (eng translation) by fanfan wei qi
24. give myself to you by train
25. twist and shout by isley brothers
    

[....etc....]

All Time Classic Song

1. "Farewell" by Yo Yo Ma (from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon OST)


2. "Slide" by Goo Goo Dolls


3. "Here Is Gone" by Goo Goo Dolls

All Time Classic Band

1. Apocalyptica


2. Trans-Siberian Orchestra


3. Goo Goo Dolls


4. Savage Garden


5. OSTs

Biggest Comeback Song

1. "Here is Gone" by the Goo Goo Dolls

Biggest Comeback Band

1. Goo Goo Dolls

Newest Song

1. Nobody's Perfect by Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus
   

Newest Band to Check Out (if i ever change my ways)

1. Matt Nathanson (2 chill songs i liked, back to back..wow!)


2. Matt Pond PA

Best Dance-to Song

1. "Sway" by Michael Buble


2. "Baby I Need Your Lovin'" by The Four Tops

Best Sing-along Song

1. "Boys of the Summer" by Don Henley


2. "Zombie" by the Cranberries


3. "Shattered" by O.A.R.


4. "Here Is Gone" by Goo Goo Dolls

Communication for Paralyzed People by Connecting their Brain to a Computer

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4564186n

description: The story is about people who are completely paralyzed due to illness or trauma getting help communicating with a new technology that connects their brains to a computer.

time: ~12 min.

Housing Scuffle

Tech Housing (0) vs. Karen (1)


-------

Last Friday's meeting (Dec. 5) - schedule meeting for Dec. 9
Today's meeting (Dec. 9) - inconclusive, tbd Dec. 11 or 12

Tech Housing (?) vs. Karen (?)

Potentially I might be off the hook... just maybe!

MCC

I'm not trying to be dramatic here, but I have never seen such passion and enthusiasm from a crowd of people going to church for what I can only presume to be a regular Sunday sermon (well, regular to me, not to them).

What's even more inspiring is that this "crowd of people" was actually a bunch of kids, fine, adults, around my age - the "generation rising up to take the place." And it wasn't even at a church retreat with those all too familiar spiritual roller-coasters (spiritual high's). It was just a Sunday night sermon. I mean, probably a sermon with a lot more tired people than normal since it is the Sunday before finals. But they weren't. Intriguing.

I just can't get over it. You could hear it in their voices when they were praising. (You know the kind of singing where you feel chills in your body?) Trust me, you could feel it. I can only assume that they truly wanted to be there. How beautiful is that?


Oh, so I went to the service at MCC (Midtown Community Church) with some friends tonight. I was left with two very clear impressions upon leaving that service. One, the worship, I've already mentioned above. Second, their mission in discipling others and to grow in Christ.

The first thing on their bulletin was their different discipling programs. They were just starting two different disciplines based on your majors (medical, engineering) so that you could walk with someone who probably already went through whatever you were struggling with now. It seemed pretty clear they wanted you to grow in Christ. I'll admit, I don't see that very often, which is kind of sad come to think of it. Well, I don't see this kind of discipling here, not missions, but working on strengthening the church from within. (But what do I know, not that I go consistently.) In general, it was just very encouraging. It makes you want to know more, and why - what spurs them on. Especially when you can see they truly believe what they, well, believe. Do you know what I mean?

Your faith should be reflected in your actions, in your life. It's what you believe in. It shouldn't have to be a conscious effort - "I must do this because this is what I should do". Or hrm, I might have said that too hastily. I think in general it shouldn't be. That to me would be aspiring to be someone.

Hrm, I'm trying to write down what I think but all I can think about is something I read a week ago.

So my friend showed me a friend's blog and he was journaling what it meant to surrender to God (disclaimer: if I'm remembering/interpreting correctly). He was recalling how he used to struggle with sin. He would sin, feel terrible afterwards, stay away, only to sin again later. He realized afterwards that this was not the way to go. He said it was because we as humans, were bound to fail. It's fitting called, human nature. Only with the grace of God could we ever hope to achieve anything. Therefore, he said all he could do was to pray to God, "I can't do this without You, help me."

"So How could I expect to walk without You
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I will not begin to live without You
For You alone are worthy and You are always good*"

If only I could have that much faith and believe like that. Alas. Actually, slow down a bit and just say believe in God first.

"You said, 'ask and you will receive whatever you need,'
You said, 'pray and I'll hear from heaven,'
and I'll heal your land.**'"

I've always liked the idea of prayer, or in my mind, what I imagined it to be. (I'm serious about this misconceptions thing, I'm not sure what's real and what's not anymore.) Anyway, I just like voicing your true desires. I mean, if you know what you want, then you have a goal in mind. With a goal in mind, you can take the steps toward achieving in. It makes perfect sense. Same with problems. You can only begin to fix something if you know what's wrong. And so often I don't know what's wrong/desire, well, how can I go about getting it?

"You said, 'ask and I'll give the nations to you.'
oh Lord, that's the cry of my heart.
distant shores and the islands will see**."

Mmm, I don't even know what I truly want or for people to pray about.

Anyway, I just wanted to mention that I really liked the worship. Sure it was kind of loud (heh, keeps you awake) and mainly geared towards the college crowd, but the heart was there. And that's what matters the most. Really. It's a pity I don't feel/see that much passion in some of the churches I've been to. I mean, not even that, just the choice of songs.

So two of the songs I've quoted tonight (heard for the first time) were played there, and if you just read the lyrics, they're so beautiful. This, desire? See! Even in their songs you can see the desire to reach out to others, praying that "distant shores and the islands will see." I mean, they even just took parts (yay!) of Christmas hymns and we just sang the chorus.

"Come let us adore you.***"

Well, I'm excited for what's to come. I'm meeting with one of the girls next Sunday just to have coffee and chat. I don't know how we'll manage to meet up weekly since I won't be in the area next year (co-oping, potentially studying abroad) but things will work out. They always do. :)

Yeah, so even though the sermon was okay, at least I listened the whole time and got a little something out of it (dreams, aspirations). It's more of, I was drawn by the people there (you know how some people do that to you? There's something about them, and you just want to be by them) and I want to know more. Always good. :)

Okay well, rest of the week to get through first.



* Where You Go I'll Go by Brian and Jenn Johnson
** You Said by Shane and Shane
*** O come all ye faithful


oh, and I just really like this stanza:

"Cause Jesus only did what He saw You do
And He would only say what He heard You speak
And He would only move when He felt You lead
Following Your heart following Your spirit"


To download "Where You Go I'll Go" for free, go to: http://www.brianandjennjohnson.com/

Control

Not having control over a situation makes me uncomfortable. It's a helpless, arms flailing, sinking, feeling.

:sigh:

Comfort Level

I like to challenge myself and try new things - I'd say I'm pretty comfortable stepping out of my comfort zone.

Think about what I just said. Do you say that a lot? I know I do. What's wrong with that statement? I'll help you out. It's. Not. True. It can't be. Stepping out of one's comfort zone means stepping out of this zone of comfort aka zone of discomfort. Can you be comfortable in a zone of discomfort? I don't think so. What I think that statement means, there is a wider range than we'd like to admit for our comfort. As in, some things we are pretty confident about (100% - I know how to add!) and then there are some things we are less confident about (75% - I know how to diagram a sentence.), and then there are some things that we can do but kind of rather not do (5% - Let's go karaoking!)... and anything outside of that, well, that's discomfort.

Hrm, that doesn't sound right. Maybe it's 75% comfort and 25% discomfort. And 5% comfort and 95% comfort.

How often do/should we step outside our comfort zone? And do we truly step outside of it?

-------------------------

... And what has happened to me tonight was that I stepped outside of mine. I guess I was wondering why I was so uncomfortable?

:sigh:

This post isn't starting out the way I intended it to be. The message is all ... messed up. And I've lost my train of thought. I was uncomfortable and thus I wanted to examine why/comfort level, but this is making it sound like it was intentional to step out, and it wasn't. I think it was lack of control.

Okay - writing to be attempted another time.

Criticisms

I just can't handle criticism from some people. Okay, certain people.

I don't know what it is about them, or myself for that matter, but it just makes me stop and think a lot of negative thoughts about them. (I'll stop there.) It's the strangest thing though if you think about it. Someone could probably say the same exact comment (most of the time, and I did say probably), and it wouldn't affect me - as much. (There, I've covered myself.)

Why is that?

From my last statement, surely it can't be the comment itself. After all, with some comments from people I kind of just regard it as a joke. Surely they don't believe that. ("Why would I want to switch groups? All the girls are in my group.") Or maybe it's one of those, "there's a grain of truth in every statement." In which case, I appreciate truth, I can handle that. But some comments, that picogram of truth, can't see it with the naked eye!

So, is it the person then? I mean, when someone says something I don't like and I don't agree with - especially at first thought - then I just immediately negate what they have to say. And then I go on thinking about every other thing they've said that I've disagreed with. And then the times they were wrong and told me I was wrong instead. Oh, and this is just for me. And then I think of what I've seen from them interacting with other people. And then the gossip from what other people have told me. Hrm, now that's what you call a false syllogism.

But maybe it really does have to do with the commentee.

I know I can make certain comments to a friend of mine about ultimate frisbee, and he can take it. In fact, he even appreciates it because I took the time to notice something he did/how he could improve on it. But there's this other kid who also likes to make comments on my friend on what he could do a whole lot better, and my friend just flips out. What's the difference?

I'd like to believe it's because I'm a much better ultimate player and I know what I'm talking about, but that's not the case. We're both equally qualified. I'd also like to think it's just because my criticism is constructive and I know how to talk to people (diplomacy is such a nice quality - oh, I don't have it, I just wanted to mention that it was). But then again, I know of somebody else who's blunt and just plain mean that yells at my friend to stop being an idiot, and he takes it just fine (friend is a rare exception). So why him? For him, it just might be the quality of friendship they share. Or the overall purpose/goal - which is to help the team. But that still doesn't explain the original case - why he can't take it from certain people. Or what's the difference between me and him. [Note to self, number friends next time. Or give amusing nicknames.]

I think it has to do with in what regards we hold that person in. Kind of. At least a little bit. Unfortunately, I think the minute we hear something we don't like, we evaluate whether or not the person has the right to even begin to try talking about what we're doing wrong when they're (in our minds) clearly not as good as us.

So then that leads me to think that they don't even know what they're talking about, and whatever negative remark I have to listen to now I'm already in a foul mood. Not ideal circumstances. I don't think that's all of it, but it's certainly something.

Now what about that difference with the ultimate frisbee situation. I feel like another reason for the difference in response (besides, obviously, truth of comment and approach of commenter) is the overall goal of the commenter. Sure we can take some comments easier from friends because we know them and we're fond of them and that's just who they are and we're used to it. But some people are just blowing off steam. That, or noticing someone else's fault hopefully doesn't let other people realize their own (not true).

In the end, I feel like my approach in "commenting" others (doesn't have to be friends) is better received than others. When I talk to them, I look them in the eye (but then again, I might just be reading their facial expression for my own amusement) and try to show that I care for them (...or something, not the right word.). I'm not trying to show that I'm better or looking for praise. I took the time to care and found something to say.

"
And I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions for me*
"

I feel like there's more though ... to come later....in the daytime.

Well, that being said at least, I think we should all evaluate what our overall goal is when we talk to people. Especially when we have something to criticize about. I guess the most obvious rule we've heard before is saying it in a way that we would like to hear it. And blessed are those that can take blunt statements. But some of us aren't born with high pain tolerance, heh. We probably should be, I don't like those that beat around the bush. Just wasting my time. That is, unless they're good at it and I don't notice. Anyway.

So practically, when I hear people yelling/fighting with each other, well that's just no good. Like parents lecturing their kids. I mean, it's not the best method. Obviously the parent's goal is to make sure their kid does the "right thing" when he/she didn't, so now they're setting him/her straight. But I bet you that kid isn't listening and just waiting for the lecture to end. We all know that. Or being smart, hehe. We all know that too. So shouldn't that method be abandoned? For the sake of productivity if anything. If only we could think this clearly when we're angry. Oh, emotions.

So, I still didn't really answer why we can take some comments from friends and why we can't with other "friends". But at least we do know now it has to do with (1) truth of the comment, (2) commenter's approach, tone, qualifications, (3) commenter's overall goal of caring for friend, and (4) ... In the end though, we all should just take care what we say and hear. Maybe I'll realize what the real reason is after a good night's sleep. I mean, nap.





* "Here Is Gone" by Goo Goo Dolls

------------
Post nap additions:

- So one thing I do want to mention is that when I do hear (and I know someone else does this as well) criticisms, I try to listen (and digest) what the person is saying. (hah, did you catch it? bandwagon). Even though I don't like what they have to say or even who they are, maybe there is some truth in what they're saying. And then I take the time to evaluate whether or not it's true, and then worth doing something about. Even more importantly though, I want to know why they think or even said it in the first place. What caused them to have that impression? If one person, what are the chances other people think that? Even more, if it's a pretty insightful comment, what else does that person notice? In what circumstance did they notice it? [...] See - a while loop full of fun.

And even though I said I do it (and so does my friend ^^), you don't have to follow the leader and copy us, ... but I still think you should do it (digest comments). :)