ambition

And during frustrating and confusing times like this, I turn to Laura's* wise words regarding my choices ...


Ambition

Ambition is necessary to accomplishment. Without an ambition to gain an end, nothing would be done. Without an ambition to excel others and to surpass one's self there would be no superior merit. To win anything, we must have ambition to do so.

Ambition is a good servant but a bad master. So long as we control our ambition, it is good, but if there is danger of our being ruled by it, then I would say in the words of Shakespeare, "Cromwell, I charge thee, fling away ambition. By that sin fell the angels."



* I mean - really - who else but Laura Ingalls Wilder?

inability to move

What does it take to make an impression on you? A personal experience? One of those inspirational movies?

First,

impression n. a strong effect produced on the intellect, feelings, conscience, etc.; an effect, feeling, or image retained as a consequence of experience

I've mentioned before that I believe if you don't remember something the first (or however many) time(s) around, it's just because it didn't make a strong enough impression on you. From that I don't intend to analyze it further into motivations, just what I simply stated. It did not spur you on to further action.

That being said, I wonder how long it takes for an impression to fade away? I wish I had a great quote or song lyric to embed here, it'd be so perfect. Alas!

So ... man, I wanted to write this all poetically but it's getting late and I didn't spend enough time organizing it in my head so I guess this'll be free thought again. Oh well.

So on Saturday I watched Changeling with some of my friends. In case you don't know, it's about a single mother in the late 1920s in L.A. raising a son. One day, her son gets kidnapped. The LAPD returns her "son" to her ~6 months later but the mom insists that this isn't her son. The corrupt LAPD insists that it's her son and makes her take care of her "son". After stirring "trouble" because she still wants the LAPD to continue look for her "real" son they send her into a mental asylum. Afterwards you find out that there's a chance that somewhere near Canada there's this psychopathic child killer that has killed bunches of other missing kids, etc. blah blah.

Hrm, so this past Wednesday(?) I saw Slumdog Millionaire. Again, some of the scenes included the child kidnapping/prositution within the slums in India. You see scenes of how blind singers and pregnant children "earn double!" (So the adults make the kids blind... force the girls into prostitution, give them babies to pretend that they're mothers.)

And then my mind wanders to what other topics on this delicate thread.

There are personal experiences that I think are dreams but happened to long ago that I can barely differentiate anymore but, what does it matter? It's not a matter of testifying in court - it's what it takes to move you.

"I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move"

- "I Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot

And are you moved? For how long? Do you give up after a couple of years because of the overwhelming odds? Or do you give up even before you try?

" WHO IS THIS CHILD
WHAT DOES SHE MEAN TO ME
I CLOSE MY EYES
AND STILL HER FACE I SEE
SHE IS BUT ONE
HER KIND IS EVERYWHERE
CAN'T YOU SEE THERE'S NO WAY I SHOULD CARE

CAN YOU SEE IT IN THE NIGHT
CAN YOU FEEL THAT IT'S OUT THERE
IT'S THE ARCING OF A LIFE
AND IT'S HANGING IN THE AIR

THOUGH I TRY TO CLOSE MY EYES
AND PRETEND THAT I DON'T KNOW
IN MY HEART
I JUST CAN'T LET IT GO*"

- Who Is This Child by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra

I love the last part. Actually, I love all the lyrics in this song. It was awfully hard to choose a stanza and well, clearly you can see I failed. But that last part - it's so honest - and it's what makes people have a heart,

" THOUGH I TRY TO CLOSE MY EYES
AND PRETEND THAT I DON'T KNOW
IN MY HEART
I JUST CAN'T LET IT GO"

I believe that's what makes people different from others. It's what's in their heart, and what has the ability to move them. Some people were talking about this at work a month or so ago (I feel like I mentioned this before as well), how even though one day we might be able to build robots, we wouldn't be able to give them a soul, and how only God could do that. I didn't know what to think of that.

I guess that's the same thing the movie A.I. deals with - could you create a robot that could love? Same concept inn Bicentennial Man.

Oh no I'm straying off topic again. So many thoughts going on in my head!

Anyway, I wanted to talk about my inability to move. You'd think with all these horrid flashes of reality of child molestation/prostitution/abuse that I'd be moved to do something. And yet, I'm afraid to. What of though? That I'd be exposed? That I'd become a victim? That I wouldn't know where to start?

What does it mean? That the movies, touching as they were, didn't make that much of an impression on me? That I have no heart? That I'm so comfortable where I am that I can't imagine what it's like living in this other world that I only see a couple minutes of?

I mean, I believe that if you're going to do something, it should be whole-heartedly and that you should know why. So if you're starting something, then you need to be in it. Hrm, it's just, where am I in all of this?

UGh that last part wasn't clear. I'm trying to say........

I guess I'm disappointed in myself that I can dare say I'm (and others) touched by a movie or song (I was deeply touched by the "Who is this child?") and then stand to do nothing about it. Or do something but stop within a few months. It just feels so hypocritical. And THEN I go and start judging and feel disappointed and that's just not the way to go. It's just all these negative thoughts. I don't even know where to start or the right thing to do.

HMM.. you'd think after thinking about this for a few days it'd have clear up in my head some.

I guess I just wonder what moves me. Or people in general. I guess that's why I'm so interested in reading about other people, maybe looking in other people will help me find myself in a way although I know that's not true. But I can't help doing it anyway? Gah!

Enough of this. I'll make more sense of this later. Or at least I hope I do. Well, something to get out of this at least is the song. And the movie. :)







* It seems all the lyrics I've found for TSO are in all caps, not sure why, but too lazy to retype.

the only thing we have to fear is fear itself

So I wrote some advice to a friend and I just like what I wrote, so here it is:

------

So I guess I wonder why you guys aren't in a relationship. Hrm, besides him clearly unable to be definite. Idk, I just wonder if it's because you guys might be afraid to, hrm... "fail" or something. You know?

Like you're afraid that being in a relationship with all the added stress of school, studying abroad, etc. would cause an otherwise ideal relationship to fail, so you'd rather play it safer and just be friends. Unfortunately, that escalates to special friends (or/and whatever...) becaue you can't control what you feel. And we only have so much self control (heh, this is generally speaking now). So you take what you can get. Esp. when you're missing each other.

Yeah, that's exactly what it seems like to me. Like both of you don't want to put your lives on hold (perhaps you don't want the held-back resentment you sure are "bound to feel" if either of you stop each other from pursuing your dreams/young aspirations) so you don't (stop each other) to be safe. But in the end, even though it's left unsaid, the feeling is still there.

It's like a line from a recent episode of House (medical tv drama),

"Most people are stuck in a rut. There is no wrong way to do something. The only wrong thing is to do nothing."

That was of course, horribly paraphrased. But the message is still there. While it's still in your head (this mindset of yours), then you're getting nowhere. Actively.

Another thing. So this quote actually comes from the most recent episode of House (this past Monday, 15th oo la la so soon after Valentine's).

"There are few things in this world that are good. So when you actually find something, I think you should stick with it."

So I may have expressed this thought earlier (I'm sure I have) but I like the way they phrased it. Once again, horribly paraphrased on my part.

Anyway, I know you guys enjoy each others company. You know it already. And he very much knows it if he takes what little time/effort to message you.

I guess the only problem I see right now is him not spending... more of his time. So I think it's clear you are on his mind (based that he takes the time to message you neat websites, Skype, etc...) But that's not a lot of time to be spent on someone (okay, true, not that you should be that attached to someone while they're abroad, because then you actually want to be aborad while you're abroad.)

It's just, he has it so nice it seems?! He doesn't have to devote that much time to you (messages every now and then) and that sends your heart skyrocketing. It just doesn't seem very fair. Idk, maybe he wouldn't have to do that much more in a relationship with you (whatever your expectations are). But then again, you would naturaly want to spend more time so it's not like you would really quantify the time spent. It's just he has you where he wants you (and I know this isn't what he's thinking, but that's what seems like is happening, which to me, is nearly the same).

Okay, so I want to expand further on the "fail at dating." It seems (to me) that you guys kind of want to keep this relationship as a safety. Not in the way that you'd normally expect though. It just seems all too easy for you guys, 10 years later, to look back and reminiscene back to, "the boy that I loved when I was young that I never dated." It's easy when you never actually did it, but can only look back.

It's in that song, "Nothing better" by the Postal Service,

" I feel must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history"

So I just feel like you guys might be putting this relationship on hold because you two are hoping that in a couple of years that you'll both be successful, have already accomplished all the dreams that you wanted, have secure jobs so you don't have to worry about what to do with your life ... and then finally be in the same city so you guys *will* have time in your life for each other. And then since you guys already love each other everything will work out just dandy!

And I just don't find that very realistic. Sorry. I think the younger we are the less responsibilities we have to worry about (I've been told this recently). Or not even that, but there are probably obstacles in our path that we can't even begin to fathom about. That much I can say with confidence.

So I feel like if there's something you want - unless you have good reason - you should not put it on hold. Nay! I mean there always will be obstacles. C'est la vie (sp?). But well, this is your life and you do what you want with it. Don't waste time.

OH! And on a last note, I'll be done soon... I hope this was helpful...but yes, my last point is, and this is from the Bible,

" Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellsprings of life" (Prov. 4:23)

It is only fair to your future boyfriend/husband/prospective suitors that you give them whatever you have (left) of your heart. You should only spend emotional, mental, ... energy on the things that matter in this world. So make sure he matters okay?

May you be happy with the choices you make (and no regrets!)

-----

It amazes me what I come up with sometimes. :)

body breaking down

I'm only 20 and yet sometimes I can already feel my body beginning to break down.

I think back, oh wait, I mean present and future, to countless nights staying up late to study...or talk. It's not just me, I mean I can't believe I used to make my body get by on a couple hours of sleep and then go through a regular day(s) and then let it crash on the weekend or something. Wow!

I started thinking about this at work while I was playing around with a pen. (I'm trying to maintain dexterity with my fingers by learning some neat pen tricks. Hrm, that sounds dorkier than saying I want to look cool because I know a pen trick. Er, I think that's a lose-lose situation. Doh.) Anyway, my finger got jammed/stiff/"crunched" every other time or so. Sigh.

Or even when I went snowboarding over break. I have no problem falling down (as in, I'm not scared to) and then getting back up again. But I wonder how long my body can take it? I saw someone much older fall down a couple of times and then she had to turn in for the day because her body couldn't take it anymore. That's not the first. I mean, I know coworkers (parents) that take their children roller blading and such and only watch because it hurts when they fall. Well I guess that's true for anyone, falling on your tailbone does hurt like no other. Lucky I have a solid cushion that will never leave me. :P

And they're old...dude, this is what I mean by my body already starting to slow down. Isn't this supposed to be my peak age? I should be running marathons right now! Haha...not.

Oh yeah, and when I was running (!) with Simba today, I could feel my knee also beginning to hrm, jam/"crunch." Not so good.

Sigh, I just hope I get to do all the things that I want to do while my body can handle it before something else gets in my way. Maybe I should make one of those lists haha...not.

Invaluable Lesson #1

A few examples in my past have led me to the belief that if I don't remember something the first time around, then it simply wasn't that important to me.

Now believe it or not, but I spent a lot of thought on that (first) sentence and I mean what I say.

A few examples in my past --> life experiences
have led me to the belief --> have drawn me to this conclusion
that if I --> just for me, at first it was any human with a decent memory
don't remember something --> we're all forgetful
the first time around --> which is why there are 2nds,...,(n+1)ths...
then in simply wasn't that --> in the hopes to uncomplicate myself that isn't really that complicated; i guess, not trying to draw any other (but what does this mean?)
important to me --> doesn't mean it's not important


And perhaps that's just a really obvious statement (it seems that way the more I stare at it while I'm writing this) but it's one that took me a while to fully appreciate.

I mentioned a few examples led me to this, so let me describe the first example that comes to mind. It has to do with one of my favorite ways to observe people, which is the way people talk. (Hence, title of blog, but there's more to that. I just find it pretty clever.)

I just think that if you really wanted (for whatever reason, if you have a crush on them, if it's material that's going to be tested on, ...) to know what somebody was saying - even if you don't have a good memory - then you somehow make the extra effort. Maybe even physiologically your brain receives a surplus of neurons with labels saying, "Important Date! Important Date!" on them. Who knows. [My textbooks are always trying to cutify the body's inner processings. I think some of it caught on heh.]

That being said, I can extend it to myself and not just other people. I try to ask people questions in which I really want to know the answer. I think people are always surprised that I remember what they say, but to me it makes sense that I should. Why ask about something that I don't really care about (e.g. school, work, ...) if I'm not going to remember anything about it?

Or another way I like to listen is hearing what people ask when they initiate the conversation. It either shows what's important to them, or what they think is important to you, etc. It just adds (or subtracts, heh) another dimension to that person because when you only have a few minutes with each person in life - isn't what you talk about what matters most? What you experience together? How much is wasted on things that don't really matter.

And as always, remember, there are exceptions!

...

So I definitely digressed a lot. I just wanted to establish my point that if I don't remember something the first time around (as with invaluable lessons), it means it didn't impact me enough and I simply have to wait for a hard (enough) learned lesson to make it be, well, poignant enough. [Er, because if it meant that much more to me, I would have remembered.]

Sigh, and I wanted to make the extra effort to write well. (So on Thursday I went to my bookshelf and found all these classics that I haven't read and now I just miss english class. I think my last real one was in 11th grade. Aw, Scher. Anyway I'm rereading Gatsby (aw, Scher) to slowly dip my feet into these books again, and then who knows where I'll venture to next. So any suggestions would be appreciated. I found All the King's Men and some feminist novels like Jane Eyre, Sense and Sensitivity, Wutherline Heights, oh and Anne of Green Gables)

DOH I did it again.

OK time to cut the fat. I wanted to write that my invaluable lesson #1 was just...friends. The way I am is that I have a lot of different circles of friends and at some point or another, I spend all of my time with them and when I start feeling excluded I'll just hop into another circle. It's easier to be "one of the gang" if you devote most of your time with them, but I guess I've always found something missing. Or maybe I just adapt well. Okay, both. I mean I'm still on good terms with everybody, but it's just, "oh, Karen's left again."

That being said last night I hung out with my ultimate(!) friends (hee). The ones that I haven't really hung out (24/7) since freshman year. Oh sure we see each other once a week in the fall for intramurals and One Night Stand (Tech thing) but I mean, more than that. Or maybe it's just because I can't room with any of them (gah, boys).

I mean, I remember two(!) years ago when Fridays there wasn't any question at all what I would be doing. (Not to mention Mondays, Wednesdays,Saturdays...) Sigh, and then I moved on. New circle of friends last year. And moved on again. New circle of friends now and new activities on Fridays.

But no! Not this Friday, I just happened to walk by the SAC fields and it's like the disc was calling to me. Really. :D Heh, I had ever intention of just lying down (I wasn't feeling well) and then I just stopped by to wave and hug some good friends ... and then I ended up playing a little, and playing Mafia. Sigh, I just love being surrounded by good company.

Anyway, this is more of a reminder of myself to not abandon groups of friends so easily. I'll try to set aside some time i.e. Fridays for ultimate, Saturdays for cooking with friends, .. wait ... agh... I don't live on campus! Noooo.

lloro por ti

lloro por ti

if i ever lose my faith in you

There are some some songs* that I just melt when I listen to. It must have something to do with the inflections but I personally believe it's just the passion and emphasis they place on what they mean...on what really matters (to them). :Sigh:

Right now it's a song I heard just when I was eating at Taco Mac last week (serendipity!). The artist is potentially becoming a favorite just because this is the second song I found that I really like. First one you read about a couple entries ago, 'Desert Rose.' That's right, it's Sting. Besides, The Police - hello! Good songs all around.

Anyway, it's just these lines.

"If I ever lose my faith in you
There'd be nothing left for me to do"

Hrm, not that there's anything that amazing in those lines anyway. It's mostly just that first line but it feels so empty without the second line so I just had to copy it in there as well. I wonder why I love it so much. I know when I first heard him singing it I wanted to know what song was playing. Instantly. It's gotta be the love. You can feel it. :Sigh:

I think lately - especially with my own, and hearing about my friends' lives - I've been wondering about well, guys. Particularly struggling with guys that haven't treated girls well (betraying trust). And then I hear songs like this and I wonder when I'll feel this way. You know, the stuff that novels are made out of!

I mean, I hear all the time how guys are disappointed because girls have such high expectations because of whatever Disney fantasy plays in the girls mind, but don't you think that if a guy really found an amazing girl, well, he could do something of the sort? In this time frame? I mean, I'm not talking about buying expensive jewelry or anything, I'm talking about sweet things like spending time together hanging out and ... man, I think I lost/jumped about my/three train(s) of thought and I'm talking about something entirely different now. Gar, hate it when I do this. Anyway, back to IP** now.



* fine, two
** You don't even want to know.