Criticisms

I just can't handle criticism from some people. Okay, certain people.

I don't know what it is about them, or myself for that matter, but it just makes me stop and think a lot of negative thoughts about them. (I'll stop there.) It's the strangest thing though if you think about it. Someone could probably say the same exact comment (most of the time, and I did say probably), and it wouldn't affect me - as much. (There, I've covered myself.)

Why is that?

From my last statement, surely it can't be the comment itself. After all, with some comments from people I kind of just regard it as a joke. Surely they don't believe that. ("Why would I want to switch groups? All the girls are in my group.") Or maybe it's one of those, "there's a grain of truth in every statement." In which case, I appreciate truth, I can handle that. But some comments, that picogram of truth, can't see it with the naked eye!

So, is it the person then? I mean, when someone says something I don't like and I don't agree with - especially at first thought - then I just immediately negate what they have to say. And then I go on thinking about every other thing they've said that I've disagreed with. And then the times they were wrong and told me I was wrong instead. Oh, and this is just for me. And then I think of what I've seen from them interacting with other people. And then the gossip from what other people have told me. Hrm, now that's what you call a false syllogism.

But maybe it really does have to do with the commentee.

I know I can make certain comments to a friend of mine about ultimate frisbee, and he can take it. In fact, he even appreciates it because I took the time to notice something he did/how he could improve on it. But there's this other kid who also likes to make comments on my friend on what he could do a whole lot better, and my friend just flips out. What's the difference?

I'd like to believe it's because I'm a much better ultimate player and I know what I'm talking about, but that's not the case. We're both equally qualified. I'd also like to think it's just because my criticism is constructive and I know how to talk to people (diplomacy is such a nice quality - oh, I don't have it, I just wanted to mention that it was). But then again, I know of somebody else who's blunt and just plain mean that yells at my friend to stop being an idiot, and he takes it just fine (friend is a rare exception). So why him? For him, it just might be the quality of friendship they share. Or the overall purpose/goal - which is to help the team. But that still doesn't explain the original case - why he can't take it from certain people. Or what's the difference between me and him. [Note to self, number friends next time. Or give amusing nicknames.]

I think it has to do with in what regards we hold that person in. Kind of. At least a little bit. Unfortunately, I think the minute we hear something we don't like, we evaluate whether or not the person has the right to even begin to try talking about what we're doing wrong when they're (in our minds) clearly not as good as us.

So then that leads me to think that they don't even know what they're talking about, and whatever negative remark I have to listen to now I'm already in a foul mood. Not ideal circumstances. I don't think that's all of it, but it's certainly something.

Now what about that difference with the ultimate frisbee situation. I feel like another reason for the difference in response (besides, obviously, truth of comment and approach of commenter) is the overall goal of the commenter. Sure we can take some comments easier from friends because we know them and we're fond of them and that's just who they are and we're used to it. But some people are just blowing off steam. That, or noticing someone else's fault hopefully doesn't let other people realize their own (not true).

In the end, I feel like my approach in "commenting" others (doesn't have to be friends) is better received than others. When I talk to them, I look them in the eye (but then again, I might just be reading their facial expression for my own amusement) and try to show that I care for them (...or something, not the right word.). I'm not trying to show that I'm better or looking for praise. I took the time to care and found something to say.

"
And I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions for me*
"

I feel like there's more though ... to come later....in the daytime.

Well, that being said at least, I think we should all evaluate what our overall goal is when we talk to people. Especially when we have something to criticize about. I guess the most obvious rule we've heard before is saying it in a way that we would like to hear it. And blessed are those that can take blunt statements. But some of us aren't born with high pain tolerance, heh. We probably should be, I don't like those that beat around the bush. Just wasting my time. That is, unless they're good at it and I don't notice. Anyway.

So practically, when I hear people yelling/fighting with each other, well that's just no good. Like parents lecturing their kids. I mean, it's not the best method. Obviously the parent's goal is to make sure their kid does the "right thing" when he/she didn't, so now they're setting him/her straight. But I bet you that kid isn't listening and just waiting for the lecture to end. We all know that. Or being smart, hehe. We all know that too. So shouldn't that method be abandoned? For the sake of productivity if anything. If only we could think this clearly when we're angry. Oh, emotions.

So, I still didn't really answer why we can take some comments from friends and why we can't with other "friends". But at least we do know now it has to do with (1) truth of the comment, (2) commenter's approach, tone, qualifications, (3) commenter's overall goal of caring for friend, and (4) ... In the end though, we all should just take care what we say and hear. Maybe I'll realize what the real reason is after a good night's sleep. I mean, nap.





* "Here Is Gone" by Goo Goo Dolls

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Post nap additions:

- So one thing I do want to mention is that when I do hear (and I know someone else does this as well) criticisms, I try to listen (and digest) what the person is saying. (hah, did you catch it? bandwagon). Even though I don't like what they have to say or even who they are, maybe there is some truth in what they're saying. And then I take the time to evaluate whether or not it's true, and then worth doing something about. Even more importantly though, I want to know why they think or even said it in the first place. What caused them to have that impression? If one person, what are the chances other people think that? Even more, if it's a pretty insightful comment, what else does that person notice? In what circumstance did they notice it? [...] See - a while loop full of fun.

And even though I said I do it (and so does my friend ^^), you don't have to follow the leader and copy us, ... but I still think you should do it (digest comments). :)